1. Your spouse doesn’t want to have sex because, they don’t feel connected.
Men make love in order to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved in order to make love.
2. Your spouse don’t want to have sex because, they feel overwhelmed.
The solution? Help your spouse not feel so overwhelmed! Talk to them about what’s on their plate. Help them through figuring out how to say no to some things. Help them with some of the evening routines, like making lunches for the next day or putting kids in bed. Spend the last 15 minutes of the day helping them think through and talk through what needs to be done tomorrow, so that they can let it go.
3. Your spouse don’t want to have sex because, they have tunnel vision (often for the kids; or for their job).
When something is on our minds, it’s difficult to stop obsessing about it. While men often operate in boxes, and can switch from one box to the next, when something is really worrying us, or when there’s a big challenge ahead, it’s hard to put it aside. Whether it’s a sick child or a parent who is in trouble; a big project due at work; or a friend in crisis, if something is on our hearts, it’s hard to concentrate on sex (and again–sex needs our brain to be present!)
Idea?! If they are worried, listen! Let them talk. Pray with them. Be patient. Sometimes we all need a reminder to put things in God’s hands!
4. Your spouse doesn’t want to have sex because, they’re exhausted.
Yes, sex helps you sleep better. But when you are really tired, sex doesn’t seem that appealing.
Idea?! Too make sure neither of you are too tired for sex, take the initiative in setting a bedtime for both of you. Go to bed at a decent hour every night, together. Take as much of the responsibility for some of the housework and childcare as you reasonably can. A good rule of thumb is this: If she is working, then you should be, too. After dinner, if she’s busy cleaning up or putting the kids to bed, then make sure you find a task that needs doing as well!
5. Your spouse doesn’t want to have sex because, sex doesn’t feel that great.
Let’s face it: men pretty much always climax during sex. Women don’t. And for many women, sex just doesn’t feel that great. Maybe orgasm is elusive for her. Maybe she’s never figured out how to make it feel good. Maybe she’s said to you, “It’s okay, honey, I don’t mind. I just like feeling close to you.” Eventually that gets old. And it’s hard to keep having sex year after year if she honestly doesn’t feel good.
Idea?! Figure out how to make it feel good for her! Remember that her sexual pleasure matters (and talk to her about it, because she may have a hard time believing it!). Work through 31 Days to Great Sex with her, because it will help her figure out what feels good!Go to Thriving Marriages and read: Why So Many Christian Marriages Are Missing Great Sex
6. Your spouse doesn’t want to have sex because, sex feels degrading.
God designed sex to be threefold: spiritually intimate (feeling like you’re one); emotionally intimate; and physically intimate. Unfortunately, sometimes in our culture we focus so much on the physical that sex actually becomes impersonal. If you’ve used porn, for instance, and they know that you derive sexual pleasure from looking at porn, then they can feel like a sex object. You don’t really want THEM; you just want release. And you may even be thinking about those images when you’re having sex!
Now, that may not be the case. But if you’ve used porn, that’s often what they will fear. Show them that you’re getting real about addressing the porn issue in your life. Get Covenant Eyes on your computer. Join an accountability group. Tell them what steps you’re going to take to make sure that the next time you feel stressed, you’ll have something else to turn to rather than porn.
Or perhaps the problem is not with you at all. Perhaps they grew up with sex being used as a weapon against them, and they were abused or assaulted. Then it’s very hard to get excited about sex in your marriage.
7. Your spouse doesn’t want to have sex because, their hormone levels are all over.
Yes, hormones play a huge part in a woman’s libido! And when our hormones are out of whack, then our libido may be, too.
If you fear that there’s something really wrong, encourage them to see a doctor. But also educate yourselves on how to best support them. Start eating real food, and not so much packaged foods. Exercise. Get good sleep.
8. Your spouse doesn’t want to have sex because, they don’t feel a great need for it, but they do feel a great need for other things.
For you, sex may be one of your primary needs. But if their lives are really busy, their primary need may be something very different. Maybe what they need is to feel at peace a few hours every week by themselves, with no kids hanging around and no demands on them. Maybe they need some time to read a book, pursue a hobby, or even just have personal time out. Ask them, “what do you currently feel like you have no time to do but, if you did it, it would help you feel like you’re on an even keel?” And then help them find time every week to do that one thing!
9. Your spouse doesn’t want to have sex because, they’re not cool with their bodies.
You may look at them and want them. But they feel as if they don’t measure up, that’s hard for them to feel sexy.
So boost their self-image! Don’t tell them they’re not attractive, that will for sure kill your sex life. Talk to them about what specifically they like about their bodies. When you’re relaxing together, touch one another there and tell them, “I love looking at this.”
10. Your spouse doesn’t want to have sex because, your hygiene isn’t at its best.
Having unpleasant conversations is difficult, and many of us just avoid them. We’ve been avoiding sex, or trying to make sex go as quickly as possible and getting very little out of it, because we’re afraid to say, “your breath stinks.”
This is such an easy fix! Before you try to initiate sex with your spouse in bed, take a shower. Brush your teeth. And put on your best pyjamas! See if that makes a difference.